早上4点半醒来，被过敏症打扰得很。于是吃了一颗药，然后踌躇了每一会儿，倒下去好好休息。早晨8点半左右再次醒过来。收拾了一圈自己，9点20左右到图书馆。吃了东西，坐下，安顿好。大约10点15左右开始刷题学习。一直到13:00左右。
效率其实还算可以。虽然错了一大堆题，但是时间和注意力都有得到维持。然后走到食堂，刷刷吃了午饭，大约1:30左右吃完饭。浇完水。来到办公室，大约13:50左右。
给librarian发了邮件。忽然切入了一种不知道该做什么的状态。一方面可能是有点儿累，另一方面是因为research有不少东西要做。再过一会儿要去meeting。于是夹在中间的大约半个小时，处于不知道该做什么的状态。
于是，自己又陷入了焦虑。有点说不清焦虑来自哪里。脑子里隐隐约约地在说自己可能未来实现不了这个实现不了那个，觉得自己的人生似乎已经开始走下坡路了
简单来说，就是切入了自己不认同自己的状态。
会想到别人已经结婚生孩子，找到了挺不错的另一半，有着自己规律的生活。又或是，年轻有为，才富力壮，无论是时间机遇还是生活积累的习惯心性，都让你觉得没有什么可以难为得到他她的。也并没有刻意去比较什么，只是可能是因为隐隐间对自己的要求和期望一直都在，所以会陷入这种对自己很不满的模式。
想要平和一些多接纳自己一些。这一个过程的训练觉得挺难的。
然后可能是看到了网上有人说，觉得当初放弃的人其实是最好的之类的云云。我于是就陷入了一种小情绪，觉得自己的现状各种不匹配于自己的未来等等。或者说觉得不甘心难道之前遇到的她们真的是最好的吗。肯定不是啊。
另一方面，昨晚的排练中，自己那颗sensitive的心被戳来戳去，自己也可以坦然以对。但是心底确实还是收到了伤，没破，但是的确会疼。没错啊我就是这么一个要强的家伙。
从昨天的排练里，也是学习到了新的知识，就是如何赶鸭子上架，把不会游泳的人扔进水里，如何借助外力来催谷自己攀上更高峰。当然，也意识到，积累基础和实力是能够实现催谷的前提。
絮絮叨叨地说一堆，试图把心里的废话理清，然后再把注意力回归到做事上去，从自己做的事情中，一点定地去肯定自己的存在。
不是不去想太多未来。我已经想得够多的了。但是真的只有切切实实地活在当下，才能真的让自己觉得在活着啊。。。
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