早上7点半到学校。感觉前两天的浑浑噩噩终于消散了，尽管户外的雨云还得要在持续一个礼拜。
好歹说，人类发明了各种雨具啊。
距离考试还剩100天。这先前的几天也算是行拂乱其所为。但，六月份回国，这期间，无论如何是需要做齐全两件事：
把所有相关论文都修改投稿出去。
把LSAT这一次扎扎实实地考掉。
其它，诸如肚腩，游泳，读书，各种其它周边，就其实都可以稍许放一放。打点整理资产这类事儿，也不用操之过急。
一切以上述两件事情为重。
自然，依旧如同过往所决定的：倘若家中有什么急事儿，上述一切都可以掀桌扔掉直接回去。
在图书馆完成这段。晚上睡前提醒自己再总结一下一日。
——-
照理说，南卡的气候和江浙沪相仿，但今天村里的雷声格外响亮。
坐在窗前修改文章时，被雪亮的闪电惊到，随后就是劈头盖脸地炸雷。这很合近期的心境。压根儿没想到父母回国的时候，自己居然不是松了口气的感觉，而是在送完他们过安检后在机场哭成了个小泪人。也没有呜咽抽泣的声音，就只是眼泪止不住吧嗒吧嗒地往外掉。
我原以为，爸妈回国的当天，兰花盛开，一切都会越来越好了。但随后的几天，直至今天，居然破天荒我第一次思考是不是要回国去抓紧时间成家立业。
感觉和父母的关系的确是更近了一些。心头的担子却也不知名地变重了。
好想回到那种筋疲力竭的学习模式，每天可以少想一点事情，把空余的脑力全部用来睡觉。
睡觉也是需要一点的体力的……
容我仔细想想，我的生活去向。
说起流浪地球，影评什么的不那么容易写。可能之于我的意义，是全家人第一次一起在电影院看电影。
然后仔细想来是有很多东西可以记录的。感觉三两语也有些说不清楚。可能是因为感情埋得算是比较深的，所以反而不那么好梳理出来。怎么说呢。树木的根，就让它扎得再深再广一些，也没什么需要挖出来晒了。
但是如果这么一梳理，大约可以记录一个流水账。毕竟父母来访和出游基本上和自己的期望保持一致，这实在是很难得。说明自己的计划安排大抵是合理的。
此外，也可以就单纯地去评判一下流浪地球了嗯。
于是，先把五颗星降到了四颗星。这是比较理智中肯的行为。
在送完父母去机场，二刷了一遍。我果然对刻意地煽情行为其实有些许排斥。说起来，那种硬生生地煽情，其实就好比是片头班长用抑扬顿挫的声音来讲述希望。这么看起来，很有写剧中剧的轮回感（但是这样的思考我该怎么来书面描述出来？？光自己有这样的感觉也没用啊。如果写不出来，那还是因为语言表达的段位还不够。）
如果要来讨论流浪地球，大约要从这几个方面来说。
一，剧情设计。这部分讨论大抵分两部分，一个是宏观故事背景。第二个是人物之间的戏剧冲突。前部分是大刘的作品，讲真，恢弘得很，没得说。后一部分，怎么说呢，还是能感受到剧组的努力的。我并不想拍砖太重。但是，明显到了后期，发觉剧组没钱了。
二，视觉效果。这部分真心是做得很不错，感觉慢慢能有好莱坞大片的影子。这部分不想赘述。
三，意识形态。这部分其实撇开煽情的问题，其实是很值得讨论的。
四，社会意义。其实正如很多人所说的，这部片子的社会意义实在是很值得称道的。同时，或许也标志着旧一代导演们的谢幕。毕竟冯小刚似乎再也磨不出好的剧本了，连葛优都去春晚来表达政治正确了。
或许葛优从罗曼蒂克消亡史开始，就逐渐转身了吧。
在咖啡馆这里，Robert的书还没仔细看完，似乎也没有机会仔细多聊。有很多工作要做，同时生活也要继续规整下去。
父母顺利到家，打算去吃午饭了。下午就重新回到campus。由内到外地回归campus，开始最后的冲刺踩跳板时期。
！！！
早上想了一下，还是给Dr. Bernard发了邮件。没想到收到了巨长的回复，是一堆针对文章的细节。
囧到了
起初心里想了：我勒个去我已经把修改稿提交了啊。但是，果然是长大了么，淡定地想到，这其实没什么。然后去给杂志编辑发邮件了，去讨更多的时间来做更进一步的修改。
感觉，自己就是这么被人身体力行地感染到了。真正的科研精神，这种做事精神，我实在是还差得远啊！！！
我也是有福气，也是服气得很。这么想着：既然你的确这么诚恳认真，又这么善意满满！我认！一定踏踏实实规规矩矩地来完成你的建议和要求！
陡然想到有被人无意地评价到的这个点。
十分仔细地掂量了一下。
笑了。
说出这样的话的人，实在是：一，不了解功利；二，不了解我。
释然太多了。
今早醒来的梦有点累。梦见了许多人，大多都是村里的人。
如果在现实生活里和人们打交道，却并不会觉得“累”。
所以，其实我现在是活在梦里吗，如果按照更多的人的体验来说。
如果是噩梦的话，就让我早点醒来吧。
很奇妙的事。等来到星巴克时，这儿放着《汉密尔顿》作为背景音乐。似乎是Remix版本的。
不久前读到一句话，似乎是朋友圈里某个ABC发的：
傲不可长，欲不可纵，志不可满，乐不可极。
搜了一下，说是《礼记》里的文字。
老祖宗的东西，真个是很多好东西。
由此又想到在读社会心理学丛书，里面有这样一句话，挺认同的：“心理学不幸是由西方人创建的，结果，西方的心理学研究了太多的变态心理和个性行为。如果心理学是由中国人创建的，那么他一定是一门强调社会心理学的基础学科。”
当然，如果较真的话，又要去讨论心理学的科学性等等。
不想去抬杠。能理解 Michael Harris Bond 所希望表达的意思就好。
今天和周小琪一家吃午饭为他们践行，看到她和宇衡和他们家的小Eva。心下十分感慨。尤其是自己会感觉到宇衡的一些变化，在和人相处之间的点点变化。
心中感慨蛮多的。我觉得自己应该也被周琪感染了许多。也在有很好地去接纳和学习了。回到办公室看到了被推送的一篇文字：
6 Toxic Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Normal
总结得很好啊。感觉能在其中看到过往的种种，有些在我自己身上有，有些在对方身上有。
想想看，从第一次来美国至今，即将满十年。十年自己的变化，的确是十分巨大的。这不限于感情生活，也包括学业和自我成长，包括和原生家庭父母的关系，包括很多方方面面。
总的来说，自己是很清醒的样子，也在成长着。
https://getpocket.com/explore/item/6-toxic-relationship-habits-most-people-think-are-normal
There’s no class in high school on how to not be a shitty boyfriend or girlfriend. Sure, they teach us the biology of sex, the legality of marriage, and maybe we read a few obscure love stories from the 19th century on how not to be.
But when it comes down to actually handling the nitty-gritty of relationships, we’re given no pointers… or worse, we’re given advice columns in women’s magazines.
Yes, it’s trial-and-error from the get-go. And if you’re like most people, it’s been mostly error.
But part of the problem is that many unhealthy relationship habits are baked into our culture. We worship romantic love — you know, that dizzying and irrational romantic love that somehow finds breaking china plates on the wall in a fit of tears somewhat endearing — and scoff at practicality or unconventional sexualities. Men and women are raised to objectify each other and to objectify their relationships. Thus, our partners are often seen as assets rather than someone to share mutual emotional support.
A lot of the self-help literature out there isn’t helpful either (no, men and women are not from different planets, you over-generalizing prick). And for most of us, mom and dad surely weren’t the best examples either.
Fortunately, there’s been a lot of psychological research into healthy and happy relationships the past few decades and there are some general principles that keep popping up consistently that most people are unaware of or don’t follow. In fact, some of these principles actually go against what is traditionally considered “romantic” or normal in a relationship.
Below are six of the most common tendencies in relationships that many couples think are healthy and normal, but are actually toxic and destroying everything you hold dear. Get the tissues ready.
1. The Relationship Scorecard
What It Is: The “keeping score” phenomenon is when someone you’re dating continues to blame you for past mistakes you made in the relationship. If both people in the relationship do this it devolves into what I call “the relationship scorecard,” where it becomes a battle to see who has screwed up the most over the months or years, and therefore who owes the other one more.
You were an asshole at Cynthia’s 28th birthday party back in 2010 and it has proceeded to ruin your life ever since. Why? Because there’s not a week that goes by that you’re not reminded of it. But that’s OK, because that time you caught her sending flirtatious text messages to her co-worker immediately removes her right to get jealous, so it’s kind of even, right?
Wrong.
Why It’s Toxic: The relationship scorecard develops over time because one or both people in a relationship use past wrongdoings in order to try and justify current righteousness. This is a double-whammy of suckage. Not only are you deflecting the current issue itself, but you’re ginning up guilt and bitterness from the past to manipulate your partner into feeling wrong in the present.
If this goes on long enough, both partners eventually spend most of their energy trying to prove that they’re less culpable than the other, rather than solving the current problem. People spend all of their time trying to be less wrong for each other instead of being more right for each other.
What You Should Do Instead: Deal with issues individually unless they are legitimately connected. If someone habitually cheats, then that’s obviously a recurring problem. But the fact that she embarrassed you in 2010 and that now she got sad and ignored you today have nothing to do with each other, so don’t bring it up.
You must recognize that by choosing to be with your significant other, you are choosing to be with all of their prior actions and behaviors. If you don’t accept those, then ultimately, you are not accepting them. If something bothered you that much a year ago, you should have dealt with it a year ago.
2. Dropping “Hints” and Other Passive-Aggression
What It Is: Instead of stating a desire or thought overtly, your partner tries to nudge you in the right direction of figuring it out yourself. Instead of saying what’s actually upsetting you, you find small and petty ways to piss your partner off so you’ll then feel justified in complaining to them.
Why It’s Toxic: Because it shows that you two are not comfortable communicating openly and clearly with one another. A person has no reason to be passive-aggressive if they feel safe expressing any anger or insecurity within the relationship. A person will never feel a need to drop “hints” if they feel like they won’t be judged or criticized for it.
What You Should Do Instead: State your feelings and desires openly. And make it clear that the other person is not necessarily responsible or obligated to them but that you’d love to have their support. If they love you, they’ll almost always be able to give it.
3. Holding the Relationship Hostage
What It Is: When one person has a simple criticism or complaint and blackmails the other person by threatening the commitment of the relationship as a whole. For instance, if someone feels like you’ve been cold to them, instead of saying, “I feel like you’re being cold sometimes,” they will say, “I can’t date someone who is cold to me all of the time.”
Why It’s Toxic: It’s emotional blackmail and it creates tons of unnecessary drama. Every minor hiccup in the flow of the relationship results in a perceived commitment crisis. It’s crucial for both people in a relationship to know that negative thoughts and feelings can be communicated safely to one another without it threatening the relationship itself. Otherwise, people will suppress their true thoughts and feelings which leads to an environment of distrust and manipulation.
What You Should Do Instead: It’s fine to get upset at your partner or to not like something about them. That’s called being a normal human being. But understand that committing to a person and always liking a person are not the same thing. One can be committed to someone and not like everything about them. One can be eternally devoted to someone yet actually be annoyed or angered by their partner at times. On the contrary, two partners who are capable of communicating feedback and criticism towards one another, only without judgment or blackmail, will strengthen their commitment to one another in the long-run.
4. Blaming Your Partner For Your Own Emotions
What It Is: Let’s say you’re having a crappy day and your partner isn’t exactly being super sympathetic or supportive at the moment. They’ve been on the phone all day with some people from work. They got distracted when you hugged them. You want to lay around at home together and just watch a movie tonight, but they have plans to go out and see their friends.
So you lash out at them for being so insensitive and callous toward you. You’ve been having a shitty day and they have done nothing about it. Sure, you never asked, but they should just know to make you feel better. They should have gotten off the phone and ditched their plans based on your lousy emotional state.
Why It’s Toxic: Blaming our partners for our emotions is a subtle form of selfishness and a classic example of the poor maintenance of personal boundaries. When you set a precedent that your partner is responsible for how you feel at all times (and vice-versa), you will develop codependent tendencies. Suddenly, they’re not allowed to plan activities without checking with you first. All activities at home — even the mundane ones like reading books or watching TV — must be negotiated and compromised. When someone begins to get upset, all personal desires go out the window because it is now your responsibility to make one another feel better.
The biggest problem of developing these codependent tendencies is that they breed resentment. Sure, if my girlfriend gets mad at me once in a while because she’s had a shitty day and is frustrated and needs attention, that’s understandable. But if it becomes an expectation that my life revolves around her emotional well-being at all times, then I’m soon going to become very bitter and even manipulative towards her feelings and desires.
What You Should Do Instead: Take responsibility for your own emotions and expect your partner to be responsible for theirs. There’s a subtle yet important difference between being supportive of your partner and being obligated to your partner. Any sacrifices should be made as an autonomous choice and not seen as an expectation. As soon as both people in a relationship become culpable for each other’s moods and downswings, it gives them both incentives to hide their true feelings and manipulate one another.
5. Displays of “Loving” Jealousy
What It Is: Getting pissed off when your partner talks, touches, calls, texts, hangs out, or sneezes in the general vicinity of another person and then you proceed to take that anger out on your partner and attempt to control their behavior. This often leads to insano behaviors such as hacking into your partner’s email account, looking through their text messages while they’re in the shower or even following them around town and showing up unannounced when they’re not expecting you.
Why It’s Toxic: It surprises me that some people describe this as some sort of display of affection. They figure that if their partner wasn’t jealous, then that would somehow mean that they weren’t loved by them.
This is absolutely clownshit crazy to me. It’s controlling and manipulative. It creates unnecessary drama and fighting. It transmits a message of a lack of trust in the other person. And to be honest, it’s demeaning. If my girlfriend cannot trust me to be around other attractive women by myself, then it implies that she believes that I’m either a) a liar, or b) incapable of controlling my impulses. In either case, that’s a woman I do not want to be dating.
What You Should Do Instead: Trust your partner. It’s a radical idea, I know. Some jealousy is natural. But excessive jealousy and controlling behaviors towards your partner are signs of your own feelings of unworthiness and you should learn to deal with them and not force them onto those close to you. Because otherwise, you are only going to eventually push that person away.
6. Buying the Solutions to Relationship Problems
What It Is: Any time a major conflict or issue comes up in the relationship, instead of solving it, one covers it up with the excitement and good feelings that come with buying something nice or going on a trip somewhere.
My parents were experts at this one. And it got them real far: a big fat divorce and 15 years of hardly speaking to each other since. They have both since independently told me that this was the primary problem in their marriage: continuously covering up their real issues with superficial pleasures.
Why It’s Toxic: Not only does it brush the real problem under the rug (where it will always re-emerge and even worse the next time), but it sets an unhealthy precedent within the relationship. This is not a gender-specific problem, but I will use the traditional gendered situation as an example. Let’s imagine that whenever a woman gets angry at her boyfriend/husband, the man “solves” the issue by buying the woman something nice, or taking her to a nice restaurant or something. Not only does this give the woman unconscious incentive to find more reasons to be upset with the man, but it also gives the man absolutely no incentive to actually be accountable for the problems in the relationship. So what do you end up with? A checked-out husband who feels like an ATM, and an incessantly bitter woman who feels unheard.
What You Should Do Instead: Actually, you know, deal with the problem. Trust was broken? Talk about what it will take to rebuild it. Someone feels ignored or unappreciated? Talk about ways to restore those feelings of appreciation. Communicate!
There’s nothing wrong with doing nice things for a significant other after a fight to show solidarity and to reaffirm commitment. But one should never use gifts or fancy things to replace dealing with the underlying emotional issues. Gifts and trips are called luxuries for a reason, you only get to appreciate them when everything else is already good. If you use them to cover up your problems, then you will find yourself with a much bigger problem down the line.
——–Mark Manson is the author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life.
现在就是这样的感觉。觉得，新一年一开始，自己的生活就陷入了困境中。但是细细看来，却都是自己造成的。感觉就是，老天爷给了我一副好牌，但是我自己却打得异常糟糕。
平日里，虽然很少打扑克，但是若真的打起来，其实我也的确真的牌技太烂了。
心里难受得很呀。不知道需要几天才能恢复。在这里写东西，也越发觉得无力了。